


Kiss Kiss Fall in Love

by Aoi_koko



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Clay | Dream and Grayson | Purpled are Siblings, Clay | Dream and Karl are Siblings, Crack, Fox Hybrid Floris | Fundy, M/M, My villain arc was writing ch 7, Niki cafe owner, PURPLED EXTERMINATES THE FURRY, This is crack, Villain Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Villain GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Villain Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, cafe boy fundy, fundy's power is being a furry lmaoooo, no joke, no more bird facts i beg, superhero au, thank god, they all have powers, wilbur is not fundys dad, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:28:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29956848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aoi_koko/pseuds/Aoi_koko
Summary: “I think I like Fundy,” Dream says, breaking the silence.“Wow, it only took you….what? A month to realize?” George scoffs, looking unimpressed.Dream glares, cheeks flushing. “George!”“You literally kidnapped him 10 times last week. I don’t think I've ever seen Ghostbur that pissed.”“GEORGE!”Sapnap merely cackles, almost falling off of his chair.ORDream Team are villains, SBI are superheroes.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & Floris | Fundy, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Clay | Dream/Floris | Fundy, Floris | Fundy & Phil Watson, Floris | Fundy & WIlbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Floris | Fundy & Wilbur Soot, GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Karl Jacobs/Sapnap, Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade, Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Comments: 439
Kudos: 544





	1. Chapter 1

Dream is _fucked_. He can hear Sapnap cackle through his comms, and he has half a mind to tell him to shut up. After all, it’s his fault they’re all in this mess to begin with. But he decides against it, and it has nothing to do with the unconscious boy he is currently carrying. 

“Simp,” Sapnap whispers loudly over the comm.

“Simp,” George agrees.

He can almost see their shit eating grins from here, and he groans loudly.

“Shut up! This is all your fault in the first place Sapnap!”

“My fault?! If you hadn’t knocked cafe boy out, none of us would be in this mess!” Sapnap shouts. “You’re slandering my good name!”

“Sapnap, we are literally villains,” George says, deadpan. “You set a house on fire last week.”

“I did them a favor. That house was ugly. Like, I don’t judge, but god _damn._ ”

“There were people inside it, dumbass” Dream hisses, remembering the scolding they had all gotten.

“And?” he scoffs. “Princess over here did the same a month ago, but I don’t see you being all pissy wissy over it.”

Dream almost trips. “What?! George!”

“SAPNAP!” George yells. “That was supposed to be a secret!”

“What the hell George?!” Dream can already feel his head balding from all the stress. “You set a house on _fire_ and you didn't tell me?”

“Well, Sapnap kissed Karl!” George argues back. Dream almost drops the cute cafe boy.

“MY BROTHER? SAPNAP WHAT THE FUCK!”

“Well fuck you too George!” Sapnap yells back, before disconnecting the earpiece. 

“SAPNAP!”

George snorts. “What a big baby.” 

Dream simply grips cafe boy tighter and turns his earpiece off. 

“You’re my only hope in this bleak world, cafe boy” he whispers, on the verge of sobbing.

He’s stopped, however, by a voice. A very, very familiar voice. 

“Put your hands up, Nightmare,” Ghostbur says smugly. 

Dream turns around very slowly. 

“Can you hurry up?”

He slows down even more.

“I will actually call in Philza.”

He finally turns around.

“Well, I would like to put my hands up but,” here he lifts cafe boy, “my hands are very much occupied.” He grins cheerily, not noticing the way Ghostbur has frozen in shock.

Dream only has a moments notice before a punch is thrown at his face. He dodges, almost falling off the building.

"You fucked up Nightmare," Ghostbur says, glaring at him. "You fucked up real bad." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dream - Nightmare  
> George - 404  
> Sapnap - Blaze  
> BadBoyHalo - BBH  
> Wilbur - Ghostbur  
> Techno - The Blade  
> Tommy - Tommyinnit  
> Phil - Philza  
> Tubbo - Tubbox


	2. Chapter 2

“GEORGE! SAPNAP!” Dream screams into his earpiece, barely avoiding the blast of energy. 

“WHAT?” Sapnap asks. 

“Where are you guys?! I’m being chased!” Dream yells, swerving and going into the alleyway.

“Man up.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘MAN UP’? I AM LITERALLY BEING CHASED BY A PISSED OFF GHOSTBUR! HELP ME!” Dream screams into the earpiece, clutching onto cafe boy like a lifeline. 

“Dreaaaam, where are youuuuu~?”

Dream feels shivers crawling up his spine. “Sapnap!” He whispers, rocking back and forth. “I will literally let you date Karl if you come right now.” 

“You should have said that sooner Dreamy-poo” Sapnap says. 

But it’s too late. All the yelling has attracted Ghostburs attention. 

“Found you~” Ghostbur sings, breathing down Dream’s neck.

Dream lets out a very manly scream. If anyone says otherwise then they were simply hallucinating.

The scream does, however, wake cafe boy up, who is rightfully disoriented.

“Wha?” He says, the perfect picture of eloquence. 

Ghostbur audibly sighs in relief, now knowing that cafe boy is not dead. Then he strikes a pose, and then another one for good measure. 

“Worry not random civilian that I definitely do not know for it is I! The number 3rd hero, Ghostbur! I’ve come to save you from that heinous villains clutches!” He says, glaring menacingly at the so-called heinous criminal. 

Cafe boy sweat drops. Then he realizes what exactly he's sitting on and flushes. Dream can hear Sapnap laughing at him through the earpiece. 

“Uh, sorry,” he squeaks, rushing to put distance between them.

Dream’s heart does not break. It absolutely does not. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

“It’s ok,” he croaks out, hurt that cafe boy does not love him.

Ghostbur watches the entire ordeal through narrowed eyes. When he makes sure that cafe boy is out of sight, he turns to Dream. 

“Who told you? Huh? How did you know Fundy was my one and only weakness?” He hisses, slamming Dream into the wall.

“Fundy, huh,” Dream says breathless. “So that’s his name.”

“You didn’t…..you didn't even know that?” Ghostbur asks, disbelief evident in his tone.

“He has a cute name.”

“Of course! Fundy is very cute! Did you know, as a child he was always following----wait,”

He looks at Dreams loopy expression and it dawns on him. The way Dream is acting, his expression, the way he  _ held _ Fundy. It’s all coming together. Ghostbur wishes it wasn’t coming together. But he knows what he has to do. So he grips Dreams collar and looks him in the eyes.

“Stay the FUCK away from Fundy, you green, teletubbie looking bitch.”

And then Sapnap crashes in. Literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dream sus vote him off


	3. Chapter 3

They end up back at headquarters in one piece. 

“SAPNAP MY HAIR!”

Well, mostly one piece.

“Don’t be such a  _ baby _ , Dream,” Sapnap tuts, shaking his head. “Besides, I’ve heard some people are into that. Kinks and shit, you know.”

This does little to calm Dream, and he lunges at Sapnap.

“LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT WHEN YOU’RE BALD!”

“GET OFF OF ME!” 

They get pulled into the office, where Bad looks up, ready to ask how the mission went. Except, he does a double-take. And then another. And then another one---

“Get on with it already,” Dream interrupts, cheeks flushing. His hair is singed, and he has bald spots in odd places. 

“I...Okay,” Bad says, unable to tear his eyes away from Dream’s hair. “Can I at least know what happened?”

“Sapnap.” 

At this, Bad gives him a pitying look. “You know, hair has little importance in the grand scheme of things. I’m sure no one will make fun of you for this.”

A knock is heard at the door, and George walks in. 

“I have the files fo---” He takes one look at Dream’s hair and bursts out in laughter. 

Dream points an accusatory finger at Bad. “You said no one would make fun of me!” 

Sapnap joins in with the laughter, their cackles growing with intensity. 

“Shut up! This is all your fault for not showing up George!”

They finally stop laughing, but another look at Dream’s hair makes them collapse again, wheezing. Dream has half a mind to knock them out, but he’s still too emotionally scarred from his last fight. 

“Badddd,” Dream whines, covering his face. “This is all Sapnap’s fault! If he hadn’t set that house on fire---” He pauses when he feels a menacing aura.

“What fire, Dream?” Bad asks, smiling. 

Dream gulps, taking a step back. “You know what? I actually have an appointment! For...For the hairdressers, ahaha.” He checks his watch and breaks out in a dead sprint. “WOULDN’T WANT TO BE LATE FOR THAT NOW, WOULD I?”

_ Not laughing now, huh _ , he thinks, hearing the unmistakable sound of Bad yelling from inside the conference room.

As he passes by one of the mirrors, he frowns, narrowing his eyes at his hair. 

“Ugh, one of these days, I’m going to throw Sapnap off a building,” he mutters, raising his hood. He doesn’t want to risk cafe boy, no, _Fundy_ , seeing him like this.

“Fundy,” he whispers to himself, feeling giddy. 

“Is that cafe boy’s name?” A voice asks from his left.

“Yeah,” Dream says, before he’s rudely tripped.

Out pops Purpled, snickering at the expression on the others face. “Whats up, old man? Heard you got a new haircut.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone have that issue where Sapnap autocorrects to subpoena or is it just me?
> 
> PURPLED SUPREMACY BABY


	4. Chapter 4

Dream gapes at Purpled. And then he realizes what was just said and frowns.

“I am literally only 5 years older than you,” Dream states, dusting off his pants. “The pinnacle of youth.”

Purpled just stares at him, before flicking his eyes up to his hair. “Sure you are, Mr. I-am-prematurely-balding.” He smirks, looking down at Dream.

Dream’s hand shoots up to secure his hood, before realizing his mistake. “I’m not BALDING!”

Purpled cackles, leaning on the wall for support. “YOU’RE ACTUALLY BALD! BALD ARC?!” He says, wheezing. 

Dream only watches in despair as his secret is exposed. Purpled finally manages to stop laughing, and stands up straight.

“Thanks to you, I just won a bunch of money.”

“...what?” 

Purpled shrugs. “Yeah, Sapnap let it slip that you lost your hair, but nobody believed him.” He smirks. “Except me.”

“SAPNAP DID WHAT?”

“Sucks to be you, better luck next time?” Purpled turns to leave when he’s stopped by a hand on his shoulder. “...Dream?”

“Where. Is. He.” Dream says, a maniac glint entering his eyes.

Purpled simply points in the direction of the break room.

_ Sorry Sapnap. _ He thinks, watching Dream break down the doors in front of him. He shudders at the screams of the unlucky victims caught up in his rampage.  _ Better you than me. _

His phone pings with messages from the other villains but he simply ignores them. Best not to get involved.

______________________

Sapnap shrieks as he dodges another blow. The wall besides him cracks and shatters with the pressure and he almost passes out. Almost.

“Heeeey, Dream, Dreamy-Poo, Babe, lets talk this out yea---AAAAAA”

Dream is relentless in his pursuit, and as he lands another kick, Sapnap decides to make a run for it. Dream simply smiles evilly, watching Sapnap run.

“YOU THINK YOU CAN RUN? FROM ME?” He yells, chasing after Sapnap.

Sapnap merely screeches in response, lighting himself on fire. “I SAID I WAS SORRY DUDE!”

They run across the city, causing havoc and Sapnap feels lightheaded. Any second now, he could die. So when he spots cafe boy, he makes a run for it.

“YOU! WITH THE FOX EARS! OVER HERE!” He yells, grabbing him. “NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS!”

“AAAAAAAAAAH,” Cafe boy screams, struggling to get out of tight grip. “WHAT THE HELL?!”

Sapnap takes a deep breath. It’s now or never. “DREAM, OVER HERE!” and when he sees Dream coming at him, he takes aim.

Cafe boy goes sailing through the sky, screaming curses. Dream does a double-take, glares at Sapnap, and runs after cafe boy. Sapnap releases a sigh of relief, turning around only to bump into something. He looks up, and is greeted with the sight of a very pissed off Ghostbur and a bored Blade.

“Fuck.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if any of you saw Purpled call Sapnap subpoena, no you didn't


	5. Chapter 5

Dream catches Fundy. Barely. He’s panting heavily, chest heaving with the amount of running he’d done. As he stares into Fundy’s eyes, his face heats up.

“Furry,” Dream blurts out, watching Fundy’s face go through 7 stages of grief. 

“I am NOT a Furry!” He says, pouting. “Did Tommy put you up to this?” 

Dream’s brain short circuits. _Cute boy. Cute boy talking to me._

Fundy frowns, waving his hand in front of Dream’s face. “Are you okay?”

_Cute boy WORRIED for me. Kill me now._

He hears a blast off in the distance and the sound of sirens. _NOT RIGHT NOW._

“Do you….what is going on?” Fundy asks, looking over Dream’s shoulder. He’s so close that Dream can smell him. Not that he’s smelling him. 

“DREAM! DREAM WE GOTTA GO MAN!” Sapnap yells, dodging energy beams left and right. Dream ignores him, too focused on how good Fundy smells.

“Is...is that guy talking to you?”

Dream glances over, watching Sapnap do a front flip and land face first into the dirt. “Nope.”

“Okaaay,” Fundy says, concerned at the amount of screaming Sapnap is doing. “So uh...do you mind?”

Before he can respond, the Blade shows up. Dream simply glares at him, tightening his grip on Fundy.

“...........” The Blade looks at him. Then at Fundy. He sighs. “I’m gonna have to ask you to let him go, Nightmare.”

“Nightmare?!”

_Act dumb Dream_ . “Who are you?” _Not that dumb._

He can distantly hear Fundy giggle, and he sees heaven. 

“We know it’s you, Nightmare.” Ghostbur hisses, tugging on Sapnap like he’s a ragdoll. “Your friend here spilled the beans.”

Dream glares at Sapnap. _I will kill you_ , he mouths. 

_Sorry_ , Sapnap mouths back. _They threatened me with Bad._

Dream winces at that, finally realizing the extent of the damage. The city is in shambles, and multiple houses are on fire. 

“Actually, he helped me out!” Fundy pipes up, beaming. “Some weirdo yeeted me and he was the one to catch me!”

_It was my fault you were yeeted,_ Dream wails miserably.

The Blade laughs at that, hitting Ghostbur across his shoulder.

Ghostbur freezes. “He-he didn’t yeet you?” 

But Fundy merely shakes his head. “It was him,” he says, pointing at Sapnap.

Ghostbur lets out an “Ah,” and begins to drag Sapnap away.

“Where are you taking me?! Dream? DREAM!”

And while Dream may be mad at Sapnap, he isn’t evil enough to leave him at Ghostburs mercy. That's why he waits for 3 minutes before jumping into action. He gently sets Fundy down, petting him on the head, before throwing a handful of sand into The Blades eyes. As The Blade shouts in surprise, Dream teleports behind Ghostbur and pushes him.

“DREAM! MY SAVIOR!” Sapnap sobs in relief. 

Dream merely scoffs, remembering how Sapnap sold him out earlier. “You’re on thin fucking ice, bitch.”

As he teleports away, he swears he can hear Ghostbur screaming in rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Subpoena my beloved
> 
> Am one bird fact away from a villain arc. beware


	6. Chapter 6

Bad yells at them for two hours straight. When Dream notices Sapnap dozing off, he pinches him. Hard.

“OW! What the fuck?” Sapnap shouts, glaring at Dream.

Bad whacks him over his head. “LANGUAGE!”

Sapnap rubs his head, pouting. “This isn’t fair! You guys are such bullies!” 

“It’s what you deserve,” Dream says, with Bad nodding in agreement. 

Sapnap rolls his eyes. “Karl wouldn’t treat me like this.”

Dream simply looks at him, long and hard. Bad clears his throat, breaking the silence.

“Since the Hero Association had to personally contact me regarding this matter,” here, he pointedly looks at Dream, “we have decided that you two should be banned from further villainous activities.”

He beams, clapping his hands. “In other words, you’re on house arrest.” 

All hell breaks loose.

______________________________

“Wilbur, is...is everything ok?” Fundy asks, watching him cry.

“Everything is A-OK,” Wilbur sobs out, downing his 4th cup of coffee. “A-OK.”

Fundy frowns, locking eyes with Niki. 

“I think you should stop with the coffee, Wil.”

“AJSJJSKAKALJ,” Wilbur says in response.

Sighing, Fundy takes out his phone to call Phil. Wilbur has fallen to the floor, spasming. 

“Hey…...Phil? I think Wilbur is having a stroke.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he’s twitching and shit.”

Fundy can hear Tommy screaming for mercy in the background. “Uh…..you know what? I think we’re fine.” He hangs up, watching as Wilbur mutters about unloyal sons and betrayals.

“Did you ever figure out what happened to your savior?” Niki asks, watching Wilbur with concern.

Wilbur stops twitching, looking up at Fundy.

“Not really. I’d like to thank him for saving me, but I don’t know who he is.” Fundy sighs, not noticing the way Wilbur’s face lights up.

“Awww, I’m sure you’ll meet him again,” Niki squeals. “I think he likes you!”

Wilbur smashes his cup. Niki and Fundy look at him in alarm, watching him stand up.

Before he can say anything, however, Tommyinnit smashes through the windows.

“WHAT’S UP BITCHES, BIG T IN DA HOUSE!” He shouts before he gets shot by an arrow. “WHAT THE FUCK?”

Purpled snickers, watching him curse angrily. “Wow, dude, get a grip.”

“I’LL SHOW YOU A GRIP, YOU LITTLE---” 

He’s interrupted by Philza flying down. 

“Tommy,” he sighs. “No antagonizing the enemy.”

Purpled sticks his tongue out at Tommy, smug

Tommy responds by flipping him off. 

Fundy, Niki and Wilbur watch the interaction, having moved to a safer place. 

“Niki, is it just me, or does this shit always happen to us?”

Niki watches Tommy break a table trying to get to Purpled, and nods. 

Wilbur laughs nervously. “I’m sure it doesn’t  _ always _ happen---”

The front of their cafe is blown to pieces by Purpled’s explosion. Fundy and Niki turn to him with blank faces.

“......I’ll ask them to pay for damages.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad ending in next chapter U-U


	7. ALTERNATE ENDING *THIS DID NOT HAPPEN*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Story divergence starts from "Niki and Wilbur watch the interaction, having moved to a safer place."

Bad yells at them for two hours straight. When Dream notices Sapnap dozing off, he pinches him. Hard.

“OW! What the fuck?” Sapnap shouts, glaring at Dream.

Bad whacks him over his head. “LANGUAGE!”

Sapnap rubs his head, pouting. “This isn’t fair! You guys are such bullies!” 

“It’s what you deserve,” Dream says, with Bad nodding in agreement. 

Sapnap rolls his eyes. “Karl wouldn’t treat me like this.”

Dream simply looks at him, long and hard. Bad clears his throat, breaking the silence.

“Since the Hero Association had to personally contact me regarding this matter,” here, he pointedly looks at Dream, “we have decided that you two should be banned from further villainous activities.”

He beams, clapping his hands. “In other words, you’re on house arrest.” 

All hell breaks loose.

______________________________

“Wilbur, is...is everything ok?” Fundy asks, watching him cry.

“Everything is A-OK,” Wilbur sobs out, downing his 4th cup of coffee. “A-OK.”

Fundy frowns, locking eyes with Niki. 

“I think you should stop with the coffee, Wil.”

“AJSJJSKAKALJ,” Wilbur says in response.

Sighing, Fundy takes out his phone to call Phil. Wilbur has fallen to the floor, spasming. 

“Hey…...Phil? I think Wilbur is having a stroke.”

“What?”

“Yeah, he’s twitching and shit.”

Fundy can hear Tommy screaming for mercy in the background. “Uh…..you know what? I think we’re fine.” He hangs up, watching as Wilbur mutters about unloyal sons and betrayals.

“Did you ever figure out what happened to your savior?” Niki asks, watching Wilbur with concern.

Wilbur stops twitching, looking up at Fundy.

“Not really. I’d like to thank him for saving me, but I don’t know who he is.” Fundy sighs, not noticing the way Wilbur’s face lights up.

“Awww, I’m sure you’ll meet him again,” Niki squeals. “I think he likes you!”

Wilbur smashes his cup. Niki and Fundy look at him in alarm, watching him stand up.

Before he can say anything, however, Tommyinnit smashes through the windows.

“WHAT’S UP BITCHES, BIG T IN DA HOUSE!” He shouts before he gets shot by an arrow. “WHAT THE FUCK?”

Purpled snickers, watching him curse angrily. “Wow, dude, get a grip.”

“I’LL SHOW YOU A GRIP, YOU LITTLE---” 

He’s interrupted by Philza flying down. 

“Tommy,” he sighs. “No antagonizing the enemy.”

Purpled sticks his tongue out at Tommy, smug

Tommy responds by flipping him off. 

Niki and Wilbur watch the interaction, having moved to a safer place. 

Purpled launches a blast at Tommy, who moves out the way. Fundy shouts in alarm, watching the blast move towards him. 

“FUNDY!” Niki and Wilbur scream out, running towards him.

Philza turns to them, eyes widening as he sees them running. Wilbur reaches him first, pushing him out of the way of the explosion. 

As the smoke clears, Philza notices two figures on the ground. Fundy is bleeding heavily from his head, but otherwise looks fine. Wilbur, on the other hand, is unconscious, with burn marks on his chest and arms.

Philza can hear Niki gasp. 

“Wilbur…? Fundy…?” Tommy croaks out, shaking them. “Wake up!”

Purpled looks at the destruction with wide eyes, stumbling. “I didn’t...I didn’t think--,” he starts off, but Philza shakes his head.

“It wasn’t your fault mate,” He whispers to him, patting him on the back. “They’re gonna be fine.”

________

Dream sits up, gasping. He doesn’t realize it, but he can feel his heart break, just a little. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS WAS MY VILLAIN ARC
> 
> did wilbur and fundy die? maybe
> 
> is dream going to destroy the universe? maybe
> 
> anyways PURPLED FINALLY RID THE WORLD OF THE FURRY


	8. DRAWING DRAWING DRAWING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't a chapter, I just wanted to share my drawing of dream n Fundy from ch 1 :DDDDD.....n also a dream spreadsheet 
> 
> ANYWAYS


	9. Chapter 9

Purpled ends up going to jail. Behind bars, he can see Tommy stick his tongue out at him and he rolls his eyes. 

“I guess it’s time for Plan Sugon huh,” He says, matter-of-fact. 

Tommy stares at him, backing away. “Wh--what’s Plan Sugon?”

Purpled smirks, brandishing his arms. “PLAN SUCK ON MY DICK THATS WHAT!”

Behind him, an explosion rings out as a figure clad in a business suit pearls in.    
  


“What the fuck?” Tommy says, gaping. “What the actual fuck?”

Before Tommy can call for backup, the two of them are out of there in a flash, leaving behind purple particles. 

As his eyes adjust to the light, he can make out a note fluttering to the ground. Tommy, frowns, trying to figure out if it’s a trap before shrugging. 

_ #YOLO _ , he thinks, opening the letter. 

In it are two simple words that make him froth at the mouth. 

“Dog Water.”

As the guards rush in, alerted by the prison break, they see Tommyinnit, boy hero supreme, screaming and cursing in rage. They look at each other, then at the wall Tommy breaks in anger, and slowly walk away.

_ This never happened _ , one of them mouths, flinching as they hear him break another wall. The other guards nod in agreement, picking up their pace. 

_______________

“Did you see his face?” Purpled says, wheezing. “He never saw it coming!”

Ranboo just looks tired. “How did you even…...why?” He asks, sighing.

Purpled smiles cheekily. “Why what?”

“Why, pray tell me, were you in JAIL?”

“Well, you see, there’s a thing called money.” He starts off. “And it just so happens that I love it.”   
  
“....I’m not quite sure I understand..?” 

Purpled rolls his eyes. “Imagine spaghetti with cereal.” 

Ranboo nods, waving at him to continue. 

“Now imagine someone chucks it in the trash. What would you do?”

The air turns dark. “Crush them,” Ranboo whispers, conviction clear in his tone. “Complete annihilation.”

Purpled sweat drops, making a promise to never talk shit about Ranboo’s eccentric taste buds ever again.

Then he looks up, eyes shining as he stares at Purpled. “...what?”

“I understand now! Brother--”

“No,” Purpled interrupts, but Ranboo continues on as if he doesn’t hear.

“--twin, sibling! You are a man of true passion! You know what it’s like to experience true love!” He says, gripping his shoulder.

Purpled’s eyes shake. “Of course! True...t-true love.” 

He secretly texts for Dream as he watches Ranboo go into a rant about hobbies and spaghetti. 

Purpled almost bolts when Ranboo suggests that he stay for dinner, remembering the last time he cooked. No one was able to commit any crimes for the next three weeks. The stocks dropped. Purpled lost so much money. So much.

_ Abort Abort Abort Abort,  _ he thinks, stiffly smiling at Ranboo.

“I have to go, actually,” He says, wailing in his mind. “Dream actually called me for a favo…..or.”

He trails off as he notices Ranboo’s heartbroken look. 

He sighs, cursing himself for having such a weak heart. “....Make an extra bowl to go please.”

__________

Three days later, Tommy gets an unidentifiable mail during breakfast. It’s labeled “From: Hot Girl To: The amazing, most fantastic, awesome hero ever <3,” and contains. Nothing. But.  _ Spaghetti _ . 

You can hear his screams from miles away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ranboo is highly feared in the villain industry for sending over thirty villains to the hospital due to food poisoning.
> 
> The heroes love him
> 
> FUN FACT: I fell for the sugon trick. It was a shameful, shameful day for me


	10. Chapter 10

“So you guys are…..grounded,” George says in disbelief. “How did that even happen?”

“Well, if you weren’t  _ sleeping--- _ ” 

“HEY!”

“--then you would know it was all Dream’s fault.” Sapnap finishes, rolling his eyes. 

George turns to Dream, who has been moping quietly in a corner. 

“And…..how long has he been like this?” George whispers, nudging Sapnap.

“Ugh, you don’t want to know.” 

“Ooookay. Well, I’m gonna go now, you know, since I’m not on house arrest.”

But he’s stopped by Dream, who looks at him with puppy eyes.

“Can you...can you go see how Fundy is?” He asks shyly, blushing.

_ What the fuck, _ George thinks, disgusted.  _ He’s gone crazy.  _

Sapnap meets his eyes and mimes retching. George can only stare, dumbfounded.

“Please uwu?”

George shudders, before jumping out the window. Distantly, he can hear Sapnap begging for mercy as Dream goes full uwu girl on him.

_ I am so glad I didn’t get grounded with them. _

________ 

Wilbur stares at the disguised man in front of him who is, very clearly, the villain 404. 

Fundy nudges him. “It’s rude to stare,” He whispers disapprovingly. 

“I’m not staring,” He says, continuing to stare daggers into the man in front of him.

Fundy sighs, tired. “Wil, we need all the customers we can get.”

“I won’t do anything,” Wilbur promises, thinking back to the time the cafe was blown up. 

Fundy fixes him with one last look before moving away. 

Wilbur watches him go into the kitchen before standing up and walking briskly to the table.

“So,” he says, sitting down. 404 looks up at him startled. “Nice evening, huh?”

404 frowns, leaning away. “I’m not interested.”

“What do you even mean?!” Wilbur shouts, gaping. 

“I  _ said _ , I'm not interested,” 404 huffs, before getting up. 

Wilbur reaches out his hand to stop him, accidentally tugging him down. They’re face to face now, and Wilbur opens his mouth when he’s interrupted by a shout.

“WILBUR?” Fundy yells, hurriedly separating the two. “I’m so so so sorry about him---”

“It’s ok,” 404 interrupts, glaring at Wilbur. “I slipped.”

“Still, I’m really sorry. Is there anything we can get you?” He asks, looking concerned. “It’ll be on the house!”

404 blushes a little before clearing his throat. “Um, some pancakes would be nice.”

Fundy beams. “Ok! Pancakes coming right up!”

He grabs Wilbur and drags him to the back, waving at 404.

When they’re in the kitchen, he throws him in. “What the fuck was that?”

Wilbur pouts. “He called me ugly!”

“Wil…..” He sighs, shaking his head. “Just make the pancakes.”

“Should I poison them?” Wilbur mutters at Fundy’s retreating back, resigning himself to his fate. 

Fundy pops back in. “And no poisoning the food!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need a new spouse, my last one turned out to be a bird. Anyone willing to get married?


	11. Chapter 11

no new chaptyer, am mourning rn. My new wife turned out to be a fish

also i have a child now. Her name is beeyoo n she is a bee. I will go bond with her by making a country, blowing it up and then dying, leaving her traumatized for life

UPDATE: am in custody battle for beeyoo, cheer for me. I'm gonna give fish spouse my son harry the horse. I hate harry the horse

UPDATE 2: I GOT BEEYOO THE BEE N NALA THE DOG MY CHILDREN AHAHAHHAHA TIME TO BLOW UP A COUNTRY AND DIE WATCH OUT

But I lost harry the horse and yellow sheep so in the end did i really win? I mean, I hate harry the horse but yellow sheep was pretty pog :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my lawyer is subpoena but he's on a quest tryna find himself so.......


	12. Chapter 12

The pancakes end up being inedible. George stares at the abomination in disgust, not daring to take a bite.

Wilbur scoffs. “Just eat it already. What are you so scared of?”

George continues staring, eye twitching. “This…….is not safe for human consumption.”

“Are you doubting my culinary skills?” He asks, narrowing his eyes. “First, you call me ugly, now this?”

“If this is soooo good,” George says. “Why don’t you eat it?” 

Wilbur blanches. “I’m allergic to pancakes actually.”

George raises an eyebrow. “Uh-huh.”

“Why don’t _you_ eat it?”

“....no thank you.”

They’re interrupted by the pancakes exploding. Wilbur and George stare at each other, then to the place where the pancakes once were and sweat nervously. 

“What did you even put in them?!” 

“Nothing that would make it explode!” Wilbur defends himself, watching the table corrode from the remains of the pancakes.

“What the fuck,” George croaks out, moving away. “What the actual fuck?”

Wilbur pales, flinching when the sludge starts moving towards him. “?????”

Fundy decides to walk in that exact moment. The sludge changes directions and jumps towards him.

__________

Dream snaps out of his uwu girl mode. Sapnap is on the floor, rocking back and forth. 

“Sapnap, did….did you feel that?” He asks, grabbing his mask. 

Sapnap continues rocking back and forth, ignoring Dream.

“....I’m leaving,” Dream informs him, opening the window. “I think something happened to Fundy.”

He jumps out, closing his eyes and teleporting to the cafe. He’s greeted by the sight of all out chaos.

“KILL IT WITH FIRE! HURRY!” He hears George yell. 

“I’M TRYING!”

Fundy is the one who spots him first, and he jogs over to him, blushing madly. “Hey, uh, what’s...what’s going on?”

“Well...let’s just say Wilbur isn’t allowed near the kitchen anymore.”

Dream is even more confused, but nods along. Then Fundy turns to him.

“I never got to thank you for saving me,” he smiles. “So, thank you.”

Dream short circuits. Steam comes out of his head and his eyes glaze over. Wilbur notices this, hands the flame thrower to George and smacks him over the head.

“No,” He says, ignoring Fundy’s yelp of surprise. “Not on my watch.”

“WILBUR! THE SLUDGE IS...IT’S GROWING??” George yells, close to tears. 

He gives one last look to Dream, who is still lost in his fantasy, and drags Fundy away.

Soon, Tubbo arrives with his poison control bee, Beeyoo. They’re able to contain the sludge, but the damage is done. The cafe is burned to the ground. 

“What are we going to tell Niki?” Fundy despairs, clutching Wilbur’s hand. 

“Tell me what?” Niki asks, smiling menacingly. In her hands is a fishbowl with a lone goldfish. 

Wilbur and Fundy flinch back, eyes shaking. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beeyoo my daughter......all you've done is make me proud TvT
> 
> ALSO...I lost the custody battle......ya'll didn't pray hard enough

**Author's Note:**

> Dream - Nightmare  
> George - 404  
> Sapnap - Blaze but everyone calls him Subpoena  
> BadBoyHalo - BBH  
> Wilbur - Ghostbur  
> Techno - The Blade  
> Tommy - Tommyinnit  
> Phil - Philza  
> Tubbo - Tubbox


End file.
